for some reason this makes me laugh

douche

I received a fun gadget for my birthday. It is a device that you speak your grocery list into and it spits out a list. Very handy, yes, but you need to speak clearly or else you get some random item that you probably don't need.

Here is Steven and I trying to add "bleach" to the list...but we got douche. We don't even need a douche but it is now on our list. We are going to have really clean assholes.

kenny rogers

Let's take a moment to give props to Kenny Rogers. His voice really kicks ass. You know you can't deny this...even if he has had more work done that Joan Rivers...

I know I keep searching even after today...so there is it girl...we've got it all now..and here we are babe...what do you say? We've got tonight. Who needs tomorrow? We've got tonight babe, why don't we stay?

Ahh, words of wisdom from Kenny Rogers.

damn, those drinks were expensive!

I just got my credit card bill. Remember when I posted about how expensive the drinks at the George Michael concert were? Check this out...

(click to triplify)

I wonder if it was an honest mistake or if someone would hope I didn't notice.

heat lightning

Check out this video of some cool heat lightning (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heat_lightning) I took recently. I wish I had a picture of myself while I watched this. I was so goofy looking - and definitely in awe.

our baby would be so fucked up

And this just proves it...

Click to triplify.

cloned doggies?

This article in CNN is quite interesting. Cloned doggies? I have mixed feelings, but I think I would clone Millie if I could. She is such a great dog. I wonder how these clones are going to make out. The woman's original dog died of cancer - are the clones going to meet the same fate?

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/science/08/05/clone.dog.ap/index.html

knight stand

LOL! I don't even know what I would do with a knight stand.

http://fortmyers.craigslist.org/fur/780154941.html

an open letter to george michael

Dear George Michael,

First, I want to thank you for an outstanding show last night in Fort Lauderdale. You really hit a home run with us and I hope you could tell by our screaming and clapping. However, I have a small bone to pick with you.

We paid $127 each for our tickets to your show. I don't know who designed the seating at the stadium, but if I am going to pay $127 to see a concert, I don't want to be arm-to-arm with the person next to me. Yes, I know I am fat. I get all that, but still, these seats were way too close. Poor Steven couldn't even sit down properly because the seat in front of him was jamming into his knees. Luckily we were standing up most of the time grooving to your sweet sounds. I know you didn't design the stadium, but you do set your ticket prices. Our friends across the stadium who paid less for their tickets had lovely seats. Midway through the show we left our seats and joined them, where we were quite comfortable.

Anyway, another gripe I have is that you wrote on your tickets "No opening act, show starts promptly at 8pm". Well, we all showed up promptly at 8pm, but you didn't start singing your cute little heart out until 9pm, a whole hour later. In the meantime we all sat in our mini seats and sweat our faces off. I know you were sick and I appreciate you performing for us, but why did you specifically want us there at 8 when you didn't come on until 9?

I don't want to sound all down, because, George Michael, I really had a great time. You sang most of my favorite songs and your set was out of this world. You are still cute and you can still sing very well, that's what really counts.

My final question for you, George Micheal - do you get a cut of the concession proceeds? Steven and I each had a cocktail and the total for the two drinks (with tip) was thirty six dollars. Yes, that's right. So much, in fact, that I had to use a credit card. Now what is up with that? Next time I am going to bring a flask.

I do have to forgive you, though, because you sang Careless Whisper. That just makes my heart melt, George Michael.

Yours Forever,
Mark

we're back!

Phew, we're back from our week long trip to Massachusetts. We had an amazing time. On Friday the 25th we arrived in Boston and had lunch with Kristin and Dan who are expecting their first child in October. Then we took the train and a bus and saw our friend Val's new cottage by the ocean in Quincy. It was really cool. Next we headed to Hyde Park and spent a lovely evening with Stephanie and Andreas at their home, where we were introduced to Guitar Hero, our favorite new Wii game.

On Saturday my stepfather picked us up and brought us to the Cape. That night we met Kerry O and her brother Mark (who was suffering an injury he received while performing an improv sit), as well as our friend Kelly B. We went to the Town Tavern in Falmouth, which is quite a site. We had a lot of fun with that weekend and on Monday we drove to Provincetown to spend the night with our friend Dell who lives in Fort Lauderdale but has taken a place in Ptown for the summer.

Tuesday we drove back to Sandwich and spent the rest of the week seeing friends and having a lot of cookouts. On Thursday we went to see our good friend Heather and her two adorable children. After that we met our friend Kelly for lunch before venturing back to Sandwich for another cookout.

Sadly, Friday came too fast and it was time to board a plane back to reality. We need a vacation from our vacation!

Thanks to all who made time to see us while we were visiting. We are going to try an sneak back to Massachusetts this fall, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't happen due to work commitments, so please consider coming to sunny Florida to visit us. We miss our friends from the north terribly and would love to see you all in our neck of the woods!

greetings from provincetown

Hello from Ptown! We have been on the cape for a few days after visiting with your good friends A & S in Boston. I had a fun birthday on Saturday and today we made our way down to the tip of the cape to visit our friend Dell. On Wednesday we are going to see our good friend H and then Friday we head back to Fort Lauderdale. My how the time flies!

I will try to post more as time permits, but we have a full schedule while we are here, so if I don't write, have a great week and I will be back in full force next week!

-Mark

post 495

Only 5 more posts until my 500th post. What should I post? 500 is a big number, I want to make it special!

I will be away on vacation for a week and while I may post if there is time, I might not. So, keep checking back!

nutso dream

I had a crazy dream last night. Dreams amaze me because it makes me wonder what the hell our brains are doing at night and how do we come up with this weirdo shit?

Last night I dreamed that I was standing outside of a jail and I was waiting for Charles Manson. Yes, CHARLES MANSON. But he wasn't the creepy looking guy we have seen pictures of. He was young and cute. For some reason the wardens let him out periodically to take a ride around the block with some people (I don't know who they were, but they drove an old Ford Escort station wagon). On the way out of jail I grabbed Charlie and asked him if he would like to take a walk in the woods. He said that it would be OK since no one would miss him for a few minutes. Then we walked into the woods. How strange is that?

I think this might be related to a new website that I have been reading. It is called Find A Death dot com (www.findadeath.com). My friend David has been fascinated by it and I checked it out and read about the Sharon Tate murders.

Dreams are so interesting.

Going to Boston!

I am so excited. On Friday we leave for Massachusetts for a visit. I haven't been back home since last year and I don't ever want so much time to pass without visiting. Sadly, I think this will be the last time I will be able to visit this year so I am going to make sure we make it extra special.

We are going to be there for a week and I have tried hard to make sure we see as many of our family and friends as possible. Pretty much the whole time we are there will be filled with visits. I don't usually have such a rigid schedule for us when we travel but this time is pretty intense. Sadly, we won't be able to see everyone due to the short time we are there, but I hope we will be able to make the most of it. Plus, the weather up there is quite pleasant this time of year. It will be nice to leave the 90+ degrees of south Florida for a bit!

RIP Sophia Petrillo

Goodbye Spohia.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/TV/07/22/estelle.getty.obit/index.html

Mama Mia!

While the rest of the world was seeing The Dark Knight, a group of us went on Saturday night to see Mama Mia! It was very cute. All the singing and dancing was great and Meryl Streep gives an outstanding performance as the mother.

The people in the theater literally laughed when Pierce Bronson sang. He is a great actor, but can't sing for shit.

Once you've seen The Dark Knight, head on over for some light-hearted fun with Mama Mia! You'll be surprised just how many Abba songs you really know.

we built this city

I fucking love this song. It's timeless. It just makes me happy.

a thousand splendid suns

I read The Kite Runner a couple of years ago and I loved it, as everyone did. But since then I haven't read the other book, A Thousand Splendid Suns. Until now.

It's official: I am out of books. I have read every book in our house. Except one. For some reason, I didn't get excited about A Thousand Splendid Suns. I don't know why. I loved the other book, so why wouldn't I want to start on another great book by the same author? I guess I was worried that it would be heavy. I don't do a lot of heavy books.

Finally, out of books, I picked up A Thousand Splendid Suns. Wow. It is really good. It is different than The Kite Runner, but similar in that I am learning a lot about the Afghan culture. The story is about a woman, where The Kite Runner was about a boy. I really admire the author for his ability to write great stories about both sexes. I feel that authors like Steven King are more effective at writing about their own sexes, although I just contradicted myself, because The Tommyknockers was a great book about a woman (and her period). I digress.

Anyway, if you are in the market for a book, check out A Thousand Splendid Suns. I am right in the middle of it, but so far it is outstanding.

peaches in heavy syrup

Recently, a few of us were talking about our strangest sexual experiences. I guess I must be pretty vanilla because I didn't have any good stories. But my friend Mike had a great one.

He told us that when he was in his 20s he was dating a guy who had a fetish. A food fetish, to be exact. He wanted Mike to throw peaches at him while he sat in the tub. The way it worked, according to Mike, is that he would come over to the guy's house, and lined up along the wall in his living room were cases of Dole Peaches in heavy syrup. Mike would have to open up a bunch of cans of peaches and then go into the bathroom and throw the peaches at the guy as he jerked off in the tub. According to Mike, the guy would climax as he was being pelted with peaches. He wanted Mike to throw them at him very hard. Mike said that this was sometimes a problem as his hands were sore from opening so many cans (he didn't have an electric can opener), so by the time he was done, the bathroom was covered in peaches and Mike was exhausted from the whole ordeal.

What I find so interesting, besides the whole idea, is that the guy had CASES of peaches. He was really into his fetish. I did a search online for food fetishes and apparently this guy isn't the only one who gets off on food play. This Wikipedia article describes some of the common sexual food fetishes. Pork Rind Porn is something that I did not know about until now.

I remember seeing a site that had pictures of people dressed up as food. One in particular had a woman posing as a pig. She was on a skewer, had an apple in her mouth, and was getting ready to be put in the oven. Unfortunately I wasn't able to find it again.

All this food talk is making me hungry.

i kissed a girl and i liked it

My new favorite song, 'I kissed a girl' by Katy Perry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAp9BKosZXs

I kissed a girl and I liked it!! Indeed.

again, i say it

Again, I say how much I love this website, dooce.com. Not only do I love her wit, but I love the pictures that she posts of her dogs. Like this one. Priceless. Plus, it's about The Golden Girls, which are my favorite.

millie is such a good girl

Gosh, I love this dog.

i would have done the same thing

I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing in this situation:

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/07/07/dnt.family.off.plane.kiro

OK, ok, you may hate me, but people like this drive me NUTS. I can't tell you how many flights I have been on where this has happened (not the boot, but the unruly children). I totally understand and sympathize with parents who have to fly with kids. I know it is a pain. BUT, there are some things that you as parents can do to make the whole experience much more pleasant for you and for me!

1) Make sure your kids are well-rested prior to flying. Nothing is worse than cranky kids on a plane. I know this isn't always possible, but try your best to make sure they have napped prior to your flight. My hunch is that some of you think the opposite, that your kids will fall asleep on the plane. THEY WON'T. Kids who don't fly a lot will NOT fall asleep on the plane. Instead, they will want to look at everyone and everything because there is so much going on. Can you blame them?

2) Bring snacks for your kids. Airlines no longer give out much food, so make sure your special ones have snacks and treats for the flight. Tired, hungry kids and airplanes do not mix.

3) If travelling with small children, take up the airline's offer to board first and get your brood settled before everyone else gets on. It will make life much easier for you and will certainly avoid dirty looks from other travellers who are trying to get past your car seat and stroller to their own seat.

4) If your kids begin acting up on the flight, DO SOMETHING. Be stern, tell them to shut the fuck up until the flight is over. Bribe them with a treat for good behavior. ANYTHING. Few things make me madder than idiot parents who sleep or listen to music on their headphones while their precious children scream their heads off.

5) Take your kids to the bathroom. Yes, all children want to see the bathroom on planes. It is OK, take them. Even if they don't have to go. It will give the rest of us a few moments peace and will be a fun outing for your kids.

6) If there is a movie on the flight, MAKE YOUR KIDS WATCH IT, especially if it is a kid's movie. Please and thank you. I will even pay for the movie for you. I know how much your flight cost you. It's the least I can do.

I'm not a monster, really. I love other people's kids. But when I am stuffed into a small tube with a bunch of kids, I would really like to know that the hundreds of dollars that I (and you) paid to fly wherever we are going isn't all in vain because I left the flight with a giant headache from little Timmy who threw up and screamed the entire flight.

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/07/07/dnt.family.off.plane.kiro

That's all. Have a safe flight.

lips! brunch-style

A group of us ventured out yesterday to Lips, Fort Lauderdale's premiere female impersonation destination. On Sundays they have Gospel Brunch, where the "Sisters of Sequins" perform. When you first walk in, they direct you to the "Holy Water", a giant table filled with champagne, mimosas and bloody marys. Ooh boy. Once we were entertained by the drag queens, who put on quite a show, complete with gold church choir outfits.

The food is really yummy and we even saw Divine's mother! I totally recommend this to anyone who has a few hours on Sunday while in Fort Lauderdale. There is only one warning: YOU WILL GET DRUNK. Again, YOU WILL BE DRUNK. They practically force the booze on you. And remember, this is brunch, so it is noontime, not midnight. Be prepared. YOU WILL BE DRUNK. I"m not kidding , either. You have been warned.

i completely agree with them

I am reading A Long Way Gone, which is not even close to the type of books I usually read, but we are out of new books at home and I was desperate. Boy, I feel so lucky, too, because this book is very good.

The book is about a boy who is growing up in war-torn Sierra Leone. It is amazing and sad at the same time. My usual book choices are silly reads that I can easily put down before bed, not serious books like this one. But I am really enjoying this book and definitely recommend it to you if you're in the market for a serious read.

Along the same lines (loosely), I am amazed at the stories the former hostages are telling. I don't know if I could make it for six years in captivity. I give them a lot of credit and am thrilled that they made it home safely and are now with their families. Let's give peace a chance, OK?

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/07/07/farc.hostages/index.html

this drives me crazy

I was on the phone recently for some technical support. The guy on the other end kept saying my name. THAT MAKES ME INSANE.

For example:

ME: "Hi there. I need some help with x".

HIM: "OK, Mark. What can I help you with?"

ME: "Well, blah, blah, blah."

HIM: "You know, Mark, I can help you with that."

ME: "OK"

HIM: "Mark, the reason this happens is blah blah blah."

See what I mean? It drives me crazy. In our 5 minute conversation I swear he said my name 15 times. I almost laughed towards the end because it was so silly.

phone sex grandma

Wicked NSFW.

someone pop me

We went to Steak & Ale last night for dinner. I like this place because it is kind of cheesy in an 80's way. It is a little run down and definitely full of wood inside. It's dark, kind of like a place your grandfather would like. And, like an old man, I like it too. Plus, they have a salad bar, which is always a winner in my book.

So, last night we went. I made two trips to the salad bar before my meal came. And then I ate my meal. I was so full after dinner that I practically had to lay down. But wait, it gets better. Before bed I literally shoved down my gullet a piece of carrot cake. Now, I wasn't the least bit hungry, but for some reason I am not able to leave dessert and eat it later. I am such a pig.

Today I am paying. My stomach is killing me and I won't even get into how much the toilet hates me this morning. It is going to be a long day...

someone took this literally

Keep in mind this actually happened. This is someone who was moving from an insurance claims office. (click on image to see full size).

Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Wal-Mart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?'

Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Wal-Mart Employee: 'What you want on the cake?'

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

You can't fix stupid

thoughts on my first trade show

Last week my company participated in a local trade show. The theme was Business to Business and there were over 500 companies participating. It is very interesting being a part of a trade show in Florida, especially in June. First, everyone was soaked in sweat from lugging in their wares in the hot summer sun. I was literally dripping with sweat when we were finished bringing in our gear. Embarrassed, I hustled over to the men's room to clean myself up. It was then that I noticed that EVERYONE was sweaty. This was going to be an interesting day.

Once we were set up, I took a walk around the venue and was amazed at the number of people who were in attendance. At times we were literally arm to arm walking through the booths. Some companies took a novel approach and hired young girls to hand out their materials, not a bad idea considering they had no problems giving away their stuff. I was tempted to take off my shirt and walk around, but figured that might not be a good idea for our prospective sales.

Most interesting to me were the number of people who were walking from booth to booth dropping their business cards and taking ours, without even knowing what these companies do. They are obviously going to spam everyone with whatever they are selling. I don't like that approach very much, but I guess it comes with the territory.

As the day wore on and the attendees began drinking, the tone took on a more casual feel. After a couple drinks people were much more friendly and it made my job easier (I wasn't drinking). I noticed a slow progression as the day wore on towards people not feeling nervous about coming up to the booths. That was great. I think they should have served booze all day!

The biggest thing I took away from the event was that it is so tiring. From being on my feet all day, to greeting countless new faces and companies, by the end of the night I was exhausted. I fell into bed and was asleep in no time.

bucket residence, lady of the house speaking!

damn you, google street view

Click the picture to see larger image.

Google Street View was in our neighborhood sometime last winter. Recently I looked up our house and was HORRIFIED at what I saw. Our house looks like a crack den. When they took the picture we were right in the middle of some renovations. There were no bushes in the yard, our house had grey stucco all over it and there was trash under the carport. Thanks for picking the absolute worst possible time to swing by our place and take a picture, Google Street View.

Google Street View, please come by our place once more and take a new picture. But please give us some notice so I can make sure the lawn is mowed. Thanks.

girls make pregnancy pact, wtf?

Did you see this story about the high school girls who made a pact to all get pregnant and raise their babies together? What a bunch of dumbasses.

From the story on boston.com:

Gloucester school officials have discovered at least part of the reason that their high school pregnancy rate has more than quadrupled over the past year, according to a Time magazine story that hits newsstands today.

"Nearly half the expecting students, none older than 16, confessed to making a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together," the magazine's story said, after reporters talked with Joseph Sullivan, Gloucester High School principal.

Seventeen girls at the 1,200-student Gloucester High have gotten pregnant over the school year, more than four times the average number. The spike has shocked and baffled education and health officials there and reignited a fierce debate about contraception in schools. But many told the Globe last month that the most alarming facts were that a significant portion of the expecting girls were 16 and younger and that some seemed to be intentional.

"More students are coming in and asking about pregnancy testing," the city's public health director, Jack Vondras, told the Globe last month. "What's odd is that some of them are disappointed because they're not getting pregnant."

In addition, at least some of the men involved in the pregnancies are in their mid-20s, a fact that prompted Mayor Carolyn Kirk of Gloucester to ask about statutory rape charges at last month's School Committee meeting.

Kirk and other Gloucester officials could not be reached for comment last night, but Patricia Quinn, executive director of the Massachusetts Alliance on Teen Pregnancy, called the revelation, "distressing."

Adults in the city need to do a better job of showing teen girls a pathway to adulthood that includes something other than parenting, she said.

"When it comes to sex, a lot of communities struggle to be forthright," she said. "People in Gloucester need to look at using what feels like a crisis as an opportunity to improve services and support."

call for guest bloggers!

I am looking for a few guest bloggers! If you don't have your own blog, why not occasionally post your funny stories and interesting items on my blog? No, it's not because I'm lazy. It is because sometimes it is really hard to think of interesting things to write about. I do my best, but it would be fun to see other perspectives on MarksNews.com. Plus, these posts occasionally get picked up by other sources and are read around the world. Here's your chance to become a virtual globetrotter!

Come on, kids! Warm up your typing fingers and let's get a-bloggin'!

babe, I got you babe

Oh, those Golden Girls!